How to Talk to Your Boomer About Coronavirus and Social Distancing
Boomers are known to be entitled and confused at the best of times, and during this current crisis they may have questions like, “Why should I stay inside?” “What are the chances I’m going to get sick?” and “Where the hell is the remote!?” Other unqualified millennials without any psychological training might tell you otherwise, but it is the belief of this writer that you should be patient and talk to your boomer as though they were an adult.
Explain to them that while large swaths of the population still have to go to work everyday (because capitalism, yo) this is not a permission slip for the especially at risk to be cruising around the shopping mall. Boomers love capitalism, and you can explain that if they catch coronavirus at the mall and die, well that’s one less customer for their beloved Tommy Bahama.
Let your boomer know that one infected person can start a chain reaction that can spread the virus to millions; it’s like Beatlemania but bad. Tell your boomer to imagine that instead of Beatlemania it was Pat-Boone-mania. Let them know that the spread of coronavirus is almost as bad as that scenario.
Another good technique is to lure your boomer back inside with the music of The Eagles. Boomers love Hotel California and Take it Easy. Remember, stick to the greatest hits.
Should all else fail, a surefire way to keep your boomer inside is to mention that housing has become less and less affordable as the years have gone on. Science has yet to discover why, but boomers seem to take this comment as a personal attack and respond to it as though what you said to them was, “You didn’t earn anything you have.” This should set them off and begin an hours long argument during which you’ll both remain indoors.
You will likely want out of this argument at some point, though. “But how?” you ask. Well, simply mention that housing prices could potentially plummet because of coronavirus, and then say, “I hope measures are put into place by the kind of politician I support once this is all over so housing can become more affordable.” If done correctly, your boomer should tell you that you’re being preachy. This is perfect, because now you can reply with, “At least I’m not as preachy as that fucker Pat Boone,” and transition the conversation back to how this epidemic is like a theoretical Pat-Boone-mania.
Going through these topics over and over again should exhaust your boomer and they will ultimately give up on that khakis sale or golf glove blowout. “But how can I remember all this?” you shout. Easy. Just remember, PAT BOONE.
Oh no, not Pat Boone!
Ooh, The Eagles!
No affordable housing